It’s 28 days since the Dublin Ironman 70.3 and I’ve spent 14 of them in hospital, so far.
Two weeks, not so bad in the greater scheme of things but what’s messing with my head is that I’ve been in hospital, home, back in hospital, home and then back in hospital again. I’ve been to either the Physio or my GP and each visit has resulted in an ’emergency’ return to full time care.
Given this is my 3rd blog tracking my recovery I won’t bore you with the backstory but what happened since we last met was that somewhere along the line after the disc surgery and before or during the cerebral fluid leak I picked up an infection. I started getting seriously high temperatures spiking to 40degrees, shakes, sweats lack of sleep. The infection seemed to be in my blood.
Now I’m scared…
I’m scared that just over 3 weeks ago I was achieving a PB in a half ironman. Now I can’t move my right leg, I’ve had back surgery and an infection serious enough to warrant 24hr care, 3 different types of intravenous antibiotics as well as daily blood tests to establish my health.
I’m scared that I’m a 5 time marathoner and 2 time half ironman and now I have a Physio teaching me how to walk down stairs.
I’m scared because what’s happening to me has put so much pressure on my family to adapt their plans and routines and I’m wondering if this was preventable, what did I do wrong?
I’m scared because I don’t know what the future holds. I know the back will recover but will I get my foot back again? I know the medics can’t say anything with certainty but their reluctance to even speculate is very frustrating.
I’m scared because I don’t know if I’ll ever run again.
I’m scared because it’s really hard to stay positive all the time. It feels false and spurious. Sometimes you just want to curl up & cry, wishing you could turn back time a few weeks. There’s been a bit of that over the last few days.
But I’m strong…
I am strong because I have a great wife and kids. They’ve dropped anything and everything to make sure things work for all of us. They’ve changed their plans, dropped others and not moaned one bit. I couldn’t be a luckier guy.
I am strong because I’ve got great friends. They text, visit, send cards, Whatsapp (is that a verb?!) and keep in contact, they’re genuinely interested in my wellbeing. Even people I really don’t know on twitter and various social media platform are keeping in contact. To all of you I am truly grateful.
I’m strong because I’ve been here before. I’ve had a previous back injury and I recovered well. I know what to do and I just need to do it.
I am strong because I actually am strong. I can’t imagine doing this pre Operation Transformation. I’m lighter, fitter, stronger than ever before.If I can complete a half ironman with a slipped disc I can pick myself up again.
I am strong because a while ago I couldn’t have written this post, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s OK to not be Ok.
I know there are others dealing with problems that put mine in the ha’penny place, but this is my fight. I AM STRONG.